Monday Seven No. 023
Questions to ask at the dinner table (or over Zoom)
Hey Friends 👋🏽
Welcome to Monday Seven, where I discuss and share random topics that interested me. For those of you new here you can read previous editions and subscribe here.
The last edition had a 66% open rate. Top links were IHME’s COVID-19 health data and this Golden cape made with silk from a million spiders.
This week is all about asking better questions. Asking the right questions has been a common thread for us. We’ve covered questions to ask your partner (#1 No. 021), for quarterly planning (#3 - No. 020), to keep the ego in check (#4 - No. 015), to avoid the trap of overconfidence (#1 - No. 005), and questions from my journal during the earliest days of the pandemic (#2 - No. 002). I thought it would be valuable to dedicate an entire post to questions. Better questions, better life.
Also going to try something new. In addition to the questions, and the usual sounds and quote of the week (#6 and #7), I’m introducing a new bullet and calling it a big vouch (#5)—to highlight friends doing cool things that you should know about. We’ll try it this week and hopefully make it a regular feature.
Let’s dive in!
No. 023
1 — Qs to ask your parents
Last year I flew my mom to LA for a short trip. We were arriving from different cities and on the way there, I wrote down a few questions to ask her. The questions ranged from the seemingly mundane, to open up the conversation, to the deep and existential.
I’d say we have a closer relationship than most parent-child, mostly because of some early life experiences I wrote about a few years ago. Even then, I feel that at some point we stopped asking each other the questions that truly matter. I assumed this was only me so I started asking friends what they knew about their parents. Across the board, it was shocking how little we all truly know about their parents.
When we’re younger, we ask our parents a lot of questions because they are our source of truth to the world. As our parents begin to become less god-like and more human, we stop asking them questions about who they really are. Forgetting that they too are human, figuring it all out just like us, growing and changing as much as we do. If we don’t ask these questions now, then when?
From my journal on December 6, 2019:
How do you start your days? What are your morning routines?
What does a typical day look like for you?
Do you wish you had more kids?
What are some things you wish you knew about me?
What don’t you like about me, or wish I did differently?
What do you like about me, or wish would never change about me?
What are 3 things you want to get out of life before you’re 65? What about 70?
Looking back over the past 10 years what are you most proud of and why?
What do you do for the pure joy of it?
What does life mean to you?
How do you think about death and your own death?*
*Admittedly, while I wrote this in my journal, I didn’t end up asking it. It’s an incredibly difficult question to ask a parent, but I feel that death is an important topic to discuss in order to deeply know another person.
2 — Qs to avoid small talk
No Small Talk Cards from Irrational Labs is my new favorite product.
As the title suggests, the cards are for diving deeper in conversations. We got to try them out with two of our most interesting friends this weekend and they were a lot of fun. Definitely shared some stories that we would not have otherwise and really got to know each other—it was incredibly energizing.
If conversations with friends are centered around the latest Netflix show they watched, then that’s the junk food equivalent of conversation. No Small Talk Cards help you get to the filet mignon.
3 — Icebreakers Qs
26 pages of incredible icebreaker questions from Rob Walker of The Art of Noticing.
“Icebreaker of the Week” is a recurring feature of the newsletter The Art of Noticing. Some are icebreakers I made up or experienced or found somewhere; many are submitted by The Art of Noticing readers.
My top 5 icebreakers:
Without using the title of your job, tell me what you do.
What’s the worst prediction you ever made?
If you had to take a bath in a food, which food would it be?
Tell me about a time when you changed your mind.
What are you into now that you never thought you would be into?
4 — COVID Qs
It’s worth remembering that the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (IHME) projected the current spikes in Europe three weeks before anyone else. Their data models are simply the most reliable out there.
We’re only in the early days of a steep include in the curve. We are most certainly going to see infection rates and deaths rise over the next few months. According to IHME, by January we’ll see just over 2,200 daily deaths in the US and 400 daily deaths in Canada. These numbers are staggering compared to reported numbers of 735 daily deaths in the US and 16 daily deaths in Canada last month.
Last year most of us were blindsided by COVID-19. We either heard what’s coming and decided not to prepare or remained blissfully naive to the early data until reality hit hard (sheepishly raises hand). This time around there are no excuses. We have a fair warning. Avoiding reality because it is difficult to hear will lead to greater pain.
Sorry, this took a dark turn. The good news is we’ve been here before and this time we can be well prepared by asking the right questions.
Here are the questions I’m asking my family to better prepare for the months ahead:
What are our COVID protocols for the holiday season?
Will we accept dinner invites?
If we do, how long do we wait before crossing circles with another group?
Are we huggers, bowers, or elbow bumpers? It’s easy to go in for a hug after a couple of drinks (guilty). Make this explicit at the start of a social gathering.
How many people are we comfortable being in enclosed spaces with?
When will we travel again?
How often will we revisit these questions?
While there are government guidelines for all of the above, my experience has been that while everyone is trying to be careful, they are simply not following the recommendations word for word. It can be hard telling your friends and family why you may not see them. By asking these questions early on you get to make one decision that removes many decisions.
5 — Big vouch
This is a new bullet highlighting friends doing cool things you should know about.
My friend Lucy is building Inward. The startup works with companies to set up employees with top coaches and reach their potential. From their site:
Inward is a platform that helps companies tackle leadership development, burnout, and performance, while helping employees grow and develop in all areas of their life.
As a founder, I’ve seen first hand the challenges employees face in a scaling company. It’s incredibly difficult to scale yourself at the same speed as a rocketship. Employees need support and more often than not they are hired over because those internal support structures don’t exist, even though firing/hiring is significantly more expensive than investing in employee development.
I think there’s a clear need for what Lucy is building at Inward. If you’re a founder definitely check it out.
6 — Sounds of the week
One of my favorite electronic artists Jacob Groening just appeared on The Gardens of Babylon podcast with this hour-long track. I’m also listening to Jacob’s new Leslie EP (Spotify, Apple Music).
7 — Quote of the week
I’d be amiss to close without mention of tomorrow night’s US elections. Regardless of the outcome, the American empire is in decline and I am not sure it will rise again.
Look at the past—empire succeeding empire—and from that extrapolate the future: the same thing. No escape from the rhythm of events. Marcus Aurelius (Meditations 7.49)
Last Words
I reached out to a few readers recently asking for topics you’d like me to write about. A few of you had some really great suggestions that I’ve already started researching. Have a topic you’d like me to research and write about? Drop me a line here.
I’m also working on a long-form post for a life planning framework that has been incredibly impactful for me. I’m excited to share that with you in the coming weeks.
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Until next time,
Yashar